


you are how i find my peace

by groovy_phonebox



Series: grad school 'verse [2]
Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Charles Xavier Has Feelings, Charles is a dorkface, Charles is an anxious boi, Erik Has Feelings, Erik is a Sweetheart, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Protective Erik, a wee bit of hurt/comfort, because Erik loves him, but that's okay, doctoral student erik, like a lot of fluff, med student charles, the perils of academia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29222790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groovy_phonebox/pseuds/groovy_phonebox
Summary: In which sleep is elusive for Charles, work is a bit rough for Erik, feelings are brought out into the open, and they both are just a bunch of saps.
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Series: grad school 'verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145576
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A continuation of "the delicate beginning rush"
> 
> All grammar/syntax mistakes are my own, so please let me know if you spot any so I can fix them!
> 
> Drop by with constructive criticism, general flailing and encouragement, or just to say hello; I adore hearing from you :)

Charles stared blearily at the computer screen, eyes glazing over as he re-read the same paragraph for the fifth time. He desperately needed a cup of tea. Or maybe some sleeping pills. He shook that thought away before it could take root. _Exogenous melatonin isn’t too great for the melatonin that you do have… If you start down that path, forever will it dominate your destiny… Heh, just kidding, but I don’t want to be reliant on a sleeping pill to go to sleep._ He never liked relinquishing control. 

“Charles?” 

“Hmph?” he muttered around his squished up cheek. Tilting his head up, he was greeted by the now-familiar sight of Erik’s turtleneck and leather jacket that accentuated his long, lithe body that Charles wanted to climb. Looking further up, he took in the sight of Erik’s sharp jaw and cheekbones, his steel gray eyes, his smile crinkles that Charles liked to press butterfly kisses to, his lips lifted in amused concern and ever-present affection… _Oh dear, I’m supposed to say something, aren’t I?_ “Oh, hello, darling.” He unstuck his cheek from his palm and grinned at Erik in greeting. 

“Hello, _liebling_. Don’t take this the wrong way, but isn’t it too early to look that sleep deprived? I worry for your health.” Erik rounded the table and squeezed Charles’ shoulder, dipping his head to press his lips to Charles’ temple. 

Relaxing into Erik’s body, Charles huffed out a wry chuckle. “You’re too right, my dear, it’s too early in the semester to look as moderately miserable as I do. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.” Charles sighed and nuzzled his face against Erik’s ribcage. 

Erik’s arms tightened protectively around him, as if he could banish Charles’ insomnia if he pressed close enough. It did funny things to Charles’ heart. “Stay with me tonight, then. Let me help.”

“I don’t want to be a bother, it’s fine, really. I’m sure it’s just because of the residual caffeine from my 3 to 4 PM cup of tea. Did you know that the half life of caffeine in the average healthy human is about 5 hours? So, by that logic, of course I’m having trouble sleeping--”

“I don’t mind. I want you to be there. I want to help.” Erik looked unbearably earnest. Charles didn’t want to disappoint him when Erik realized that Charles really can’t be helped. 

But Erik looked so earnest, and Charles would look for any excuse to be with him (and keep him forever, but that’s beside the point), so he replied, “Alright, but don’t feel too terrible if it doesn’t work.”

“I’ll do my best, but I’ll be with you, so I can’t complain very much.” Erik paused, unsure. “I just don’t like seeing you suffer, that’s all, not when I can try to make it better,” he confessed softly. 

Charles’ inner romantic cooed while his inner cynic reminded him that his time with Erik was limited and that Erik would surely leave when he realized that Charles was entirely self-sufficient by necessity, and he would feel like Charles didn’t need him (oh, but he did, he really, really did). He softened anyway and squeezed Erik’s hand. “Thank you, darling. I just… I can’t seem to turn my brain off or really relax enough to fall asleep or stay asleep.” To keep his tone from being too maudlin, he added lightly, “And besides, you haven’t experienced me in the morning before my first cup of tea. It might scare you off.”

This had the intended effect of startling a bark of laughter from Erik as he retorted, “Ha, please. You haven’t experienced me in the morning. If anything, _I_ should be worried that I’d drive _you_ away by my early morning grouchiness.”

_There is literally nothing you could do to drive me away at this point…_ Out loud, he settled for saying, “Hmm… You’re very lovely.” Charles smiled sunnily at him and presented his face for a kiss.

“You’re the only one who would use ‘lovely’ to describe me,” Erik grumbled, blushing, but obligingly gave Charles a peck. “What are you working on?”

“Uhh…” Charles squinted at his laptop screen. “ _The mutational footprints of cancer therapies_ ,” he read off. Perking up, he recalled the general gist of the paper. “So this paper is talking about the mutations that certain chemo treatments like platinum-based drugs and nucleoside metabolic inhibitors can induce post-treatment, the most common types of chemotherapy, which can lead to another cancer further down the line or other adverse side effects. It’s fascinating. It’s for my cancer biology class.” 

Newly invigorated by both Erik’s appearance and the study of cancer mutations, Charles stood up and stretched, the shifting of his joints only slightly less satisfying than the way Erik’s eyes lingered on the exposed bit of skin peeking from between his shirt and waistband. 

It gave Charles a thrill every time he was reminded that, of all the people in the world, Erik wanted him. Charles. Charles, who was a very boring person at his core, whose anxiety made him feel like it was essential to be at least 15 minutes early to every function, who had sometimes crippling depression that left him tired and irritated and socially awkward, who, apparently, might need his boyfriend to coddle him if he ever wanted to get a solid night’s sleep. 

“Charles.” Erik’s voice jarred him from his mini spiral, and he realized that he had spent the last couple of minutes staring blankly into the distance. Erik looked at him in concern. 

Charles mustered a smile. “I’m just tired. Same old, same old. Crying and dying, etc.” He rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?”

“Almost two.”

“At least it’s PM this time,” Charles joked.

Erik mock glared at him. “Yes. _This time._ Have you eaten yet?”

“Umm… no.” Charles smiled sheepishly. “Have you?”

“Yes, dear.” Erik rolled his eyes. “I figured that you hadn’t, so here.” He shoved a thermos at Charles. “You, uhh, I was making some corn chowder last night, and, well, I had leftovers, and I remembered that you mentioned that you liked corn chowder, so, uhh, you’d really be doing me a favor by helping me get rid of it, and, well, I know that the last couple weeks have been difficult for you, and I just want you to know that I care. About you. And your health, and stuff.”

Charles was not going to cry in the library. He _wasn’t_. He was twenty-three years old, for God’s sake! But he couldn’t help the tears that welled in his eyes as he sprang from his seat and nearly tackled Erik, clinging to him in gratitude.

_Please,_ he begged the universe, _please let me keep him._ Even though Charles knew that Erik would eventually get tired of him, he couldn’t help but implore the “powers that be” to give him as much time with Erik as possible before that happened. 

“Oh, Erik, you are my favorite person in the entire world, and I love you so much!” he mumbled into the curve of Erik’s neck. Then he froze. _Oh, God, I said it. It’s only been a month, but I said it._ He felt rather than heard Erik’s surprised intake of breath. 

Erik clutched Charles tighter. “I love you, too,” he whispered. 

Charles erupted into a smile, nearly vibrating with joy, like his skin was suddenly too small for the additional soul that it had acquired with Erik’s words. He felt like he could grow wings and fly and take on the world because _Erik loves him_. 

“What are you doing now?” he asked Erik.

“I have a meeting with Dr. Shaw in half an hour, unfortunately, but it shouldn’t take more than an hour. Probably some more blathering about how my studies are progressing, updates on how my research for my dissertation is going, very boring things.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Yes, can’t you tell I’m _bursting_ with excitement at the prospect of another ‘I’m helping you reach your full potential’ spiel from Shaw. The guy’s an asshole, but his students get the best pick of post-doc positions, and he has a lot of industry contacts, so… one must suffer through,” Erik sighed.

Charles patted Erik’s knee in sympathy. “Poor darling. If it’s any consolation, I’ll probably still be here when you get back.” _I would wait forever for you._

“It is. It helps a lot to know that you’re by my side.” Erik smiled softly down at Charles, unspeakably fond, almost glowing. Reluctantly, he extracted himself from Charles’ arms. “I have to go now, _liebling_. I’ll text you when I’m done, okay?”

Charles sighed dramatically with his whole body. “That is acceptable, I suppose,” he drawled. Grinning shyly, he said, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Erik replied, sounding as giddy as Charles felt. Charles couldn’t help the little skip in his heart when he heard the sentiment. “Remember to eat.” Erik looked pointedly at the thermos of soup before leaning down to kiss Charles. 

“I will, I promise. Thanks for bringing it,” Charles pretended to grouse as Erik shook his head, entirely too fond. 

~~

Charles lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling, his mind abuzz with every worry, every embarrassing moment, setting mental alarms attached to various tasks that needed to be done, what to cook for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner, how much milk he had left… Charles squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead as if he could somehow use physical force to quiet his mind. 

He heard the door open and felt the mattress dip as Erik settled in next to him, pulling the covers up to cover them both. “Is this okay?” he asked as he rubbed one of Charles’ arms soothingly. 

Sighing in pleasure, Charles shifted closer so that his body was plastered to Erik’s side and his head was burrowed into the side of Erik’s neck. “Yes. Is this okay?” Fresh from the shower, Erik smelled of mint and green apple. He smelled like home. 

“Absolutely.” Erik wrapped his arms around Charles and pulled him in even closer, his solid warmth anchoring Charles, his steady heartbeat giving Charles a focal point to concentrate on. 

“Oh dear, you’re going to get a mouth or nose full of hair if we stay like this,” Charles worried. 

Erik was unconcerned as he pressed his nose further into Charles’ hair and kissed the side of his head. “I don’t mind; you smell nice.”

They lay in the bed in silence, breathing each other in. 

“Thank you for being so lovely,” Charles whispered.

“You don’t have to thank me. I love you, I care about you. Besides, this is really good for me, also. I need you, too.”

“I love you, too.” Charles finally allowed himself to relax, to embrace this love, this man that had offered up so much of himself, blanketing himself in Erik’s acceptance and support. 

Erik’s steady breathing lulled Charles into sleep, and he fell asleep and stayed asleep the whole night for the first time in a year.


	2. Chapter 2

Charles was having a surprisingly okay day. He smiled briefly to himself as he walked up to the main library. _The only thing that would make this day better is if Erik were here,_ he thought to himself with a wistful sigh. It had been a little over a week since they had said anything more than “good morning” or “good night” or “I love you” to each other, with Charles swamped in exams and Erik deep in the throes of his Ph.D. research and frantically editing a manuscript in the face of a looming deadline. Ah, the perils of higher education. 

Scanning the main floor of the library for an empty table, he spotted a familiar leather jacket slung over an empty chair. Next to said leather jacket sat his very disgruntled, uncharacteristically tussled boyfriend typing furiously on his laptop with a furrow in his brow looking vaguely homicidal. Charles refused to think that it was adorable. Erik was in some sort of crisis, and Charles definitely did not have the urge to wrap his arms around Erik’s head and press kisses to his face. Nope. Charles was, first and foremost, a Very Concerned Boyfriend. 

Approaching the table slowly as if confronting a grizzly bear, Charles lightly rested his hand on Erik’s shoulder. 

Erik twitched, ready to throw the offending hand off until his eyes met Charles’, and he immediately softened, pressing a kiss to Charles’ hand. Charles took that as an invitation to set his backpack down and plop into the seat where Erik’s leather jacket occupied. 

“Hello, darling,” Charles whispered, scooting closer to rest his chin on Erik’s shoulder, “How are you?”

Erik sighed. “I hate everyone,” he grumbled, “I just want to shut myself in my apartment and not talk to anyone for a couple days.”

Stilling, Charles slowly lifted his chin from Erik’s shoulder. All of his insecurities came trickling in like water from a leaky faucet. _He doesn’t actually want you here. You’re being a bother. Stop being a bother. You’re being difficult again. You’re being too clingy._ He pushed those thoughts away before they could overwhelm him. “Sorry, I can, umm, I can go, if you want to be alone,” he said haltingly. He could handle that. Some people just need space, and he could be a lot, and he definitely wouldn’t be offended if Erik decided that he needed space. Anything for Erik. Anything to make him happy. 

Charles was halfway to standing when Erik’s hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. “Don’t you dare.”

Sitting back down, Charles asked, “Don’t you not want to see or hear from anyone and be alone right now?”

Erik huffed out an annoyed breath. “Yes, but you don’t count as people. You’re _you._ ”

“I’m me,” Charles repeated, dumbly.   
“I always want you around. You make everything make sense. You ground me, and you make me feel like life isn’t insurmountable. It’s like we’re covalently linked, you and I, like I need you in order to be happy and stable and productive and not blow up in someone’s face…” Finally noticing that Charles was gaping at him in wonder and happiness and so, so much love, his eyes shining, Erik grumbled brusquely, “And I have not had enough sleep to adequately activate my brain to mouth filter, so you’re stuck with my incoherent rambling--”

Charles shut him up with a kiss that was definitely not appropriate for the public library setting, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not with just finding out that the depth of Erik’s love and affection for him matched his own. He felt rather entitled to broadcast how sickenly in love with his man he was. Finally pulling back for air, Charles met Erik’s eyes, basking in the strength and security of his love. “You are essential to me,” he confessed, whispering against his lips. 

Erik rewarded his confession with another indecent kiss. Charles sighed in contentment. Kissing Erik was one of his favorite pastimes, after all. 

A quiet ping from Erik’s laptop broke the mood. Looking at the notification, Erik scowled. “I just ran the fucking numbers and put them in the fucking spreadsheet, what do you mean I need to ‘run them again’, fucking Shaw…” he mumbled under his breath. He reluctantly released Charles’ hand to type out an irate reply. Having sent his rebuke, Erik turned to Charles. “What are you here for anyway? I thought you just took your last exam for this block this morning.”

Warmed that Erik had remembered, even in the midst of his own shit storm, he replied, “I was thinking about getting a head start on my medical ethics paper, and I wanted a change in scenery from my apartment. How about you? One usually does not see you in the library unless you’re working a shift.”

To Charles’ surprise, Erik’s colored in embarrassment. “I was having a shit day, and I needed to get out of the lab. So I came here because it made me feel close to you. It was the first time we actually talked. You let me walk you home, remember?”

It was Charles’ turn to blush. This man. How was this man even real? Charles prayed to the universe that he would get to keep this man. “Of course I remember. I hadn’t slept in over a day, was a babbling idiot, and you took pity on me and took me home.” Charles glanced down at the time. “Speaking of going home, come on.” Charles tugged at Erik’s arm. “We’re going back to yours, I’m going to cook us dinner, and then we’re going to have fantastic sex where I try to suck your brains out through your cock. The work will keep for a couple hours, my love.”

Huffing in defeat, Erik smiled as he saved his work and packed up his laptop. “As always, your planning skills are impeccable, Charles.”

"Of course, darling. Don't you know that I'm always right?" Charles grinned cheekily. "Let's go home, Erik."

Erik smiled down at him and pressed a kiss to his temple. "Don't you know, _Schatz_? Home is wherever you are."


End file.
